I was at the awkward stage of highschool girl,

I can't say that I will

I can't explain these feelings that are going on inside
but I can explain that you're there,

Don't tell me you're not real, like all those times I told you
Just say, "Emily I'm here, Emily I'm here."

Don't say I told you so, don't quote the bible
just tell me that you're here and actually be here,

I know you were right and I know I was wrong
and I admit that, freely, I was wrong, I WAS WRONG,

Don't expect me to say it again because I don't say it too often
I'm giving you to many don'ts and not enough I wills

But I can't say I'll listen next time
I don't know that I will,

I can say I'll turn to you sooner,
but I can't say I'll trust you the whole time,

I can't even see you, it's hard to know you're there
Just promise you'll be here, and actually be here

Father, Dad, Daddy.

Father, Dad, Daddy,
You sent me to this free for all forsaken place that you call yours to die for these people,

They owe everything, and I owe nothing, Dad this isn't fair,
This is your love not mine to share,

You made these people, and they disobey you, not me,
Why do I have to be the one sent to set them free,

They know no love and they know not of your will,
They don't love you, they're only out to lie and they're only out to kill,

What makes you think I'm ready to do what you're asking me to do,
I've walked this field all night in an attempt to think this through,

I don't know what you're thinking dad, but this is your will not mine,
But with my body broken and blood for wine,

I will do what you asked of me,
I'm going to set this place free.

When forever ends

Two more years until we walk out in our gowns throw up our caps
Pack our mini vans and kiss our parents goodbye in our crowded dorm,

Somehow we all know your future is a huge gray area and doesn't include mini vans,
Or happy college acceptance letters

Whenever I look at our old class pictures I remember
that time when we thought of teenagers as unattainable gods of the earth,

Reality sinks in farther with the talk of college vists and SATs,
but somehow easy as cakework I fall into the steady memories,

It was my ninth birthday and we just blew out the candles on my cake, We were bestfriends
Highschool brought a new meaning to best friends forever,

My mind blows foreward faster than time has, and we're finally thirteen
We're teenagers and we rush for everything to go faster,

We never knew that was the last time we'd all be close as we were then
I still have the pictures, and I still remember that night,

As we grow older and we all dicover Drugs, alcohol, and Jesus
we don't talk like we did then, our new cliques have strong wedges of silence,

While we all stand together every morning before the bell,
we never have the same weekend stories,
and you had to be there moments aren't as funny when no one here was there

We have one thing in common though, that story of the day I started in this new scary state,
The first day you came over to my house, sharing of family tragady,

While I don't think we're as close as we were then, never forget I love you,
We'll always be best friends

Deeper than words

I think I liked it better, when we argued on a non-stop basis,
Until our faces were blue, and eyes red, and vocies hoarse

I loved it even more, when we were little, and we played,
and you actually liked me, and I adored you

I'll be damned if I can remember the last time we had a conversation,
I mean, a meaningful one, that wasn't painful and awkward,
or just painfully awkward

I'd love to say it's just the way people grow apart, but I can't help but think
I pushed in a way that made you forcfully grow away from me

I'd personally like to stand up and apoligize for any bottons I pushed,
that were not meant to be pushed,

and any annoyance I caused, that caused you to hate me so much,
that you don't even tell me happy birthday when I turn fifteen

Doesn't it make you sad, that you probably could even guess if asked,
My favorite color, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't even know my age

I know I liked it better when we argued, not even the meanest words could cut as deep,
as the sharp knife of silence that has plauged are relationship for years

The scribble of life

It's so wierd to comprehend the complexity of a concept stating that
Life can begin in the same place a life has ended

Quick can you vision the sight of the eldery lady surroudned by
family, with the outline of her life outlined in the deep lines of her face

And as her long lived life fades into a long lived afternoon
Of sharing memories and crying on the shoulder of the other

And quick another day is no where to be found as this long afternoon
fades into a young couple, awaiting the maricle after nine months of awaiting a maricle

The young father paces the hallway preparing for best case senerio careful not to scare
his quick to panic wife, as he assesses every worst case senerio inside his tired mind

What happens when the long lived lady gets to live even longer and the never lived baby barely gets his first breath, We can't fill our brains with the what if, what then

But when the what if turns into a what now, and a few with better faith, and a few broken hearts
We cannot just blow this off as the circle of life, because the circle of life took a U-turn

And turned straight into a figure eight, and when the baby never takes one breath,
and the old lady gets one to many

The figure eight of life, turns into a scribble on the paper of an eight year old,
that will never learn to color inside the lines,

And the thought sometimes passes his parents thoughts would it of been better if he didn't make it out of the nicu, and you gasp as if you never would of thought the exact same sin

We can't make ourselves mad over lives lived to long, and lives never lived at all because,
the first time you hold a baby in your arms you can't deny the scribble of life dealt a few maricles

I can remember the first time I sat down with a life long battle with good and evil,
and listened to war stories, nodding and crying as if I were there, fighting along with him

I will never forget as long as I live, when I saw that beautiful baby boy smile for the first time,
and when the maricle of a little girl first discovered those toes waving around, belonged to her

The circle of life keeps itself going on day at a time, and as this day is ending,
and my hand gets tired, I am finally realizing,

I cannot predict life, and pretend it goes in an even circle, but I can feel lucky,
I have recieved a pretty good deal, because this life can be cruel,

And as the long lived life goes into it's final day, and the newborn maricle is breathing on his own, this life is starting to form a circle, and the earth keeps spinning

Why? I just don't know.

My pen is pressed firmly to this paper
Trying to think of the perfect form, of simply put
yet perfectly poetic words to describe this sticky situation
But all thats coming out is, "see what had happened was"

I don't know why I'm trying so hard to make this right
All that is on your mind, is summer vacations and
the ice cold beers, you sip
All day is that how you forget

My mind is flying out, way above this room
I'm among the clouds in the sky
And there are no simply put, perfectly poectic words
just to explain why

Why things turned out this way
Why the days fall so perfectly in place
when everything else is falling apart
Why the good times go so fast
and the bad so slow

I'm sorry but, I don't know
I don't know
I just don't know

I'd love to sit and write in a very nice but eloquent way
That things haven't turned out becasue this isn't the end
Or that things aren't are bad as they seem at the moment
but I'm sorry honey the words aren't as easy taken
as they are easily said

I don't know, I wasn't there when things were made out this way
The elloquent explanation is now a four page appologly
I'd love to say why these questions were layed out to me

But I think the response is getting more tedious for you to see
than it is for me to write, this constant unknowing cloud
Not getting to know how we will turn out

I'm tired and frustrated, so I will leave this paper tonight
as I did when I sat down, Blank of answers, and completly unknowing
I won't close this subject so that someday I might
Return my head from the sky, and answer the only question anyone ever wants to know
Why?